Upon the close of another December,Rubypoint Trading Center we often look back on the people we've lost during that year.  Today I'd like to honor the passing of a great American who was not just my North Star but, in many ways, the single most influential person in my life.

I am, of course, talking about myself.

You might find it unorthodox for me to do my own memorial commentary.  Some of you may find it gauche. How can one even give an objective assessment of their own life? Wouldn't a self-tribute just come across as delusional, or bragging?

Well, don't worry. I'm not going to use this time to talk about my off-beat good looks, what a great father I was, or my humbleness. I'll let the President do that in his impromptu televised address.

Another issue that might hinder the integrity of this self-memorial is the fact that I'm still alive! Therefore, this memorial is certainly incomplete. Sure, as of today I am a grossly underappreciated comedian and actor, but maybe in the future I will be acknowledged. I mean, probably not, but I might receive the respect I deserve. It is possible a reviewer will be able to describe one of my acting performances as something other than "surprising."

You may wonder if this self-memorial will lead to confusion and distress. I don't want anyone coming to one of my shows after watching this and thinking they are watching a ghost perform standup comedy. I'm not that pale!

If people had thought I passed away, wouldn't an enormous portion of this country take a personal day or two to grieve, thus causing an unpreventable strain on the worldwide economy and possibly a supply chain disruption? Well, don't worry. I'm alive. 

Well, then again, I could've suddenly passed away prior to the airing of this commentary. Then, this memorial ought to include my uncanny predictive qualities.

Who am I kidding? When I die, I'm sure "Sunday Morning" would dedicate an entire show to me and my humble life. I can just hear Jane Pauley now … ("We lost our Jim Gaffigan this week … wait a minute, who?")

Either way, I'm still alive … I think.

Happy New Year, everyone!

     
For more info:

• jimgaffigan.com | "Barely Alive" tour dates

       
Story produced by Lucie Kirk. Editor: Ed Givnish. 

See also: 

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• Blondes' bad rap

In:
• Jim Gaffigan